Posts tagged love
Writing on the Window
Breathing on the Glass
Eric went on his first ride in the truck on real streets a couple days ago and this is his report. After an entire hour driving downtown (Buffalo people will know how hard this is, especially in a tractor trailer), he got zero marks off! I’m so proud of him. He’s really kicking ass in school and I can’t wait until he graduates. He’s still at the top of the class so hopefully that translates to the best job offers. The one hauling trucks is still on the table but having a few to pick from wouldn’t be a bad thing!
Eric’s walking to the store around the corner because I mentioned wanting something chocolate.
He’s the best. I’m so lucky to have him.
Why I’m here
I already told you guys how I got here, so I’ll tell you why I stayed.
The first person I ever followed was a girl I knew from school named Jessica. The second person I ever followed was Kait Payne. Jessica reblogged this photo of her daughter Scarlet and her dad Gabe holding each other and crying before he left for basic training. It had thousands of notes and I think Kait was attempting to win a photo contest.
…
I found tumblr really early in its developement. I think it had only been up for 4 months or so at the time. When I found it, I joked with Eric that we should invest in it because it was going to be huge. I wish I could have now! Back then, I wasn’t even married yet. I posted my first wedding picture here, before anyone else saw it! Wow… that’s crazy to think about.
I was looking for a place to vent online that wasn’t facebook because I was really overwhelmed with motherhood. Evie was so small and I was still doubting every choice I made for her, even when I knew they were right. I didn’t have a lot of help because my own mother apparently blocked out the memory of my brother and I being babies. I would ask her for advice about feeding Evie, or her sleeping or whatever and she literally had no memory of what she did with Mark and me. She also taught me, inadvertently, never to ask for help so I was reluctant to ask my mother in law for advice.
Plus, I felt like asking for help was the same thing as admitting defeat or that I didn’t know what I was doing. In my anxiety filled brain, I told myself that since it was my decision to get pregnant and have a baby that I had no right to complain or ask for help because it was my responsibility. I know this is insane, but that’s just how I felt.
So anyway, I got a tumblr in hopes of letting some of those emotions out. I don’t really think I did much of that though. I might have made a post or two about it when I was really struggling but when I started posting here, I realized I didn’t want a memory of how hard it was to have her. Writing it all down never really helped anyway. I’d finish a post and the anxiety and pressure would still be there. Tumblr put everything in perspective for me. I started posting about the good things, the cute things, and all the pictures I took of her. The more I posted, the more I looked for things to post and eventually I was only looking at the good things in raising her and in life in general as significant. I was letting the hard times go instead of stagnating in my brain.
I figured no one wanted to read a blog about how hard a young, stay at home mom of one in the suburbs had it. I knew I didn’t want to write about it. Tumblr turned me into a happier person simply by existing and it continues to do so. I write about the silly, fun and weird things that happen because those are the things that matter. I write about Evie’s firsts, her happiness and how much I love having her.
Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is tough work and I fully support anyone who uses tumblr (or any other platform) to vent because everyone needs a place to let it all out but in the end, Evie keeping me up all night or… haha I can’t even think of another example here, the not so great things are not the things that make up motherhood. The love and hugs and drawings and smiles and little girl laughs are. They’re the things I want to look back on and remember and tumblr helped me rearrange my thinking so I could.
I love Steph so much. Look at what she sent Evie!! (I got some candy too. Well, technically it said it was for Eric and me but pfft. He gets none.)
Evie is having a blast with all her bunny things! She got a bunny bowling set and we already played a few times. She has all of the bunny bowling pins set up in a line and she’s pretending to talk to them now. She also has weird glittery squishy stuff stuck to her forehead and a face full of candy.
Thank you so much Stephanie. And tell Elise her rainbow drawing in the card is beautiful!
Thank you so much Stephanie! I want to hug you so bad. Damn whole country being between us!
Aw… Look what I found when I dumped my SD card. Look at all that love! It almost makes your teeth hurt.
(via Finger wings)
I love this, especially since that finger movement (with the hand point upward) is our little family’s “sign” for I love you. We use it when we can’t speak for whatever reason, randomly throughout the day and Evie and I use it after I’m done putting her to bed and I’m walking out of her room. Eric likes to create funny sound effects to go along with it.
The wings add a whole new dimension. I wonder if Eric could build this…
This is what Evie picked out for me, all by herself. Well, kind of. She decided she wanted to get me “candy” and chapstick and Eric helped her pick out which ones by taking her to the right part of the store. She picked out the chocolate she always sees me eating and my favorite chapstick (back before I found out about Eos).
The card was it though. I have never gotten a better gift in my entire life. This is the very first time she’s ever written something all by herself. Every letter, without the help of Daddy except for him actually telling her which letter to write. I am so proud of her! (And thank you Leapster! When she got it on Christmas she couldn’t write any of the letters, even knowing what they all were!)
I read the card and cried like a little girl. It said “My Mom, my friend… Time spent with you, Mom, reminds me how special it is that life made us family…but love made us friends. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
I know she didn’t know what the card said when she picked it (she decided on that one because it had shoes on the front, which is perfectly Evie) from the set of cards Eric showed her but what it says just nailed it. And then to see her beautiful chicken scratched name after that? It was too much. It was a good thing Eric told her I was going to cry and that it wouldn’t mean I was sad because even with the warning she looked a little worried anyway.
This birthday has been fantastic. I’m so lucky to have someone like Eric, who made all the good things happen today. He’s the best and I hope guys like him aren’t the minority because everyone deserves someone who loves them the way he loves me and Evie.
Eric kind of gets screwed…
With my birthday being on February 10th and then with Valentine’s Day four days later. Usually I tell him to just get one thing and we can count it for both because the calender really screws him and I’m not really worried about gifts on either day. He did the same thing this year with this…
I’m so blown away! I’ve been eyeing the $12 acrylic version forever but today he surprised me with the receipt for the sterling silver one! I almost hit the floor.
I always knew I had the best husband ever but he really proved it this year. I don’t think I’ve said anything about this ring in three months and he remembered! I’m actually kind of speechless.
Evie started talking about her Bunny and how much she missed her out of nowhere today and it just broke my heart. She was saying how the Bunny needs to come home because the Bunny misses her and how she lost it at the Bouncy place and all these terribly sad things so we broke down and found a new one on Ebay.
$35. It hurts to pay that much but it’s worth it.
I’m going to write up a letter from Bunny, telling Evie where she’s been for so long and why she’s so clean. Hopefully she buys it and believes it’s really her Mama Bunny. I think I’m going to say she went to visit her parents and while she was there they gave her a special Bunny bath to make her super white again. Lame, I know. I’m thinking that’s the best story because Evie can relate to missing her parents though.
Then I’m going to put a stamp on it, “postmark” it with one of my stamps and bring it in from the mailbox tomorrow. When the Bunny finally gets here, I’m going straight to Walmart or Petsmart and getting a tag etched to tie around her neck, just in case the unthinkable happens again.
Do you think I should hand write it or type it up in a bunny font whatever that is, assuming I find one?
Today was an emotionally exhausting day.
She was fine a month ago.
How the hell did this happen so fast? She was supposed to be around long enough for Evie to remember her. She was supposed to show Evie the greatness of thrift stores and how to act like the world was at her feet. She was supposed to teach her how to tell if a pie crust was handmade but not how to actually make it because we are supposed to be served the best, not know how to make it ourselves.
She was supposed to be around so Evie could see how strong she was.
She was the strongest person I knew. She expected to be treated a certain way and she was. She taught me not to take shit from anyone. She made sure I was proud of how well I filled out a pair of jeans and what good dessert tasted like. She showed me it was not only possible but to be expected that a wife was separate from her husband, even after 50 years of marriage.
She was independent and proud and full of life.
And now she’s gone.
Bounce Magic has gone so far above and beyond to help us find Bunny that it melts my heart. They’ve posted about it on their facebook wall, the one worker there (Steve) stayed two hours after they closed on Wednesday night looking for Bunny, even after Eric was there for an hour and a half doing the same thing earlier in the day (with Steve’s help) and now they’re offering a free monthly pass as a reward!
Tomorrow they’re going to call all 45 people who came there on Wednesday to ask if they’ve seen Bunny or if someone accidentally “adopted” her. (You have to sign in and put your phone number down just in case when you get in.)
I really can’t believe there are still companies out there willing to go the extra mile like this. Evie loves her Bunny with her whole heart and I think Steve understood that. It helped that he told Eric about his own daughter and her well loved Teddy Bear, I think.
I hope someone has Bunny and they bring her back. I would love to see the joy on Evie’s face when she gets to see her again.
(Click through to check out their facebook page. This is the second post they published about Bunny and I -under Eric’s name- just put up two pictures so they know what to look for.)
:(
My grandma is really sick. She’s always been sharp as a tack, making inappropriate jokes and yelling at my grandpa but in the last two weeks she’s gone from that to what seems like the end stages of dementia with spacial awareness problems. She can’t even pick up her cup of tea because she can’t find it on the table.
I don’t understand what’s going on and I’m scared.
Two weeks ago she did start a new high blood pressure medicine and according to the frantic research I’ve been doing since last night, certain high blood pressure meds can cause reactions like this but since I don’t know what she’s on, I can’t be sure. My grandpa took her for an MRI last night and she’s since stopped taking the meds but he can’t take care of her (he’s in his mid-80s, and while also sharp as a tack, gets tired easily, especially when he has to help her walk) so my mom said she was going to try to get her admitted to the hospital today.
I just called her and there was no answer so I’m assuming she’s already gone, having taken her there.
I hope they figure out what’s going on and they can fix it.
What breaks my heart is how she told my mom last night that Mrs. Barcy is calling her and she thinks she’s going to go to her. (For the new people, Mrs. Barcy died about 6 months ago.)
She did recognize Evie in the picture my mom brought over though. :) She loves Evie so much… She’s her only great grandchild. She only has 4 grandchildren to begin with from two daughters, so she’s always been around.
I can’t lose my grandma like this.
Keep her in your thoughts today, ok? I’ll let you guys know what’s going on when I know…
Evie and I at the park today! Eric did a hell of a job taking this picture. Somehow we’re both looking at the camera and neither one of us is making a weird face, which is really unlike us.
On top of cool buddy gifts, Teppieoca (Stephanie) sent me (well, Evie really) a package too! She sent over a bunch of super cute clothes that fit Evie like a dream and a Dora book about trains, a conductor’s hat and these two Thomas toys! Thank you so much Steph and Elise! It was hard to get these guys away from her long enough to get a picture. I know these trains aren’t cheap either! I remember wanting to get her one a little while ago and being surprised by how much they wanted for them. (I think I got her a Littlest Pet Shop instead.) She’s been pulling around a metal box with her “guys” and her “measuring mushroom” in it, with the trains leading. Those magnets are really strong!
I’ve felt so damn loved this week, it’s insane! I love you guys. I’m going to have to find something cute to send to Elise now. Is there anything she loves? Any special animal she likes more than the others? I’ll figure something out. I’ve been keeping my eye open for goats too. ;)
